I am a city girl, head to toe. I could never go camping, I can even find swimming in certain seas gross, living in the countryside for a few days seems like torture to me and animals are definitely not my cup of tea. Also, I remember being a kid and desperately wanting to be a grown up. I imagined myself working in a nice office, wearing beautiful clothes and coming home at whatever time I felt like. This had nothing to do with me being rebellious, quite the opposite, I was a very obedient and well behaved child. The issue was I couldn’t get along with other kids my age and I preferred the company of my parents’ friends My biggest problem, however, was that I didn’t want someone else to decide for myself especially in two crucial aspects: having to take an afternoon nap and spending the summer holidays in the countryside with my grandparents. The nap was something unbearable and I don’t think I managed to fall asleep not even once. I would just sit there in my bed, with eyes wide open and bored to death, watching the clock and waiting for at least 1 hour and a half to pass until I would start messing up my hair, rubbing my eyes and compose the ‘I just woke up’ face in order to make my entrance in the living room. The holidays were just a three-month afternoon nap. Painful and unnecessary. Every morning was a challenge because I had to find a way to give the cats the milk my caring grandparents made me drink and which I hated. Then were the long, tedious days spent helping my grandpa in the garden or among pretty animals such as cows or sheep. The boys there had dirty fingernails and awful accents and the girls were watching soap operas all day long while painting their equally dirty nails in bright orange or pink. I would always end up counting the days until my returning to Bucharest and hating not only the milk or the smell of grass but most of all, my grandparents.
I was walking in the Kew Gardens today. The first day of summer in London, bright skies, hot sun and that feeling of ‘everything’s possible’ that comes with beautiful weather. After so many cold and rainy days spent dreaming of leaving the city and going to the seaside, the countryside or any side with a little more fresh air and less noise, I was finally there, surrounded by silence and feeling wonderful. It’s been a while now since nature has become one of the two things I find myself missing more and more. The other is taking an afternoon nap. Both of them always fall at the bottom of my ‘to do’ lists and when I get a chance of actually doing any of the two, it feels like a real luxury. This doesn’t only bring me to the conclusion that mommy knows best, but that we, people enjoy thinking of ourselves as complicated creatures when in fact the way we function is quite simple. No matter how dull it may sound or how much like a cliche, appreciation seems to be possible only when we miss something. And as much as I would like to embrace the ‘live in the moment’ thing, I often realize that my life is mainly composed of missing things or waiting for other things to happen. Maybe the moment is too short for us to be able to truly melt with it and feel like part of something greater. Personally, I find that this whole being present requires a lot of concentration and instead of finding answers, more questions arise. So today I’ve stopped asking myself whether I was ’seizing the day’, whether the joy I felt was pure or just a consequence of the memories of me running wild and carefree up and down the hills I used to hate. In the end it doesn’t really matter how pure or real it is if ‘just being’ leaves me with my heart full of joy.
If you are really lucky, at some point in your life you might meet someone that will change everything. It won’t of course, change you, because people don’t change. But somehow, that person will just rock your world.
I met this guy almost three years ago and at first I was fascinated by him. I fell in love, I was infatuated, I felt lust and I could picture myself making him lots of beautiful babies and living happily ever after. It wasn’t long until all the magic and fantasy that every beginning carries with it fell apart. And in a way so did we. At least that’s what I thought when I started feeling that we were not in love anymore and that there wouldn’t be any babies at all. I was angry with him and with myself for not trying harder and for not being able to deal with the nasty bits. However, this was all stupid because the truth was we were still in love and fighting was actually our cardio. The timing was bad. And by that I don’t mean we were too young, it’s just that those kind of relationships are doomed to die. The living together, forcing ourselves to believe in something our nature is clearly against turns out to be a waste of time and energy. But only by trying one can fail and learn something.
After bags were packed and I took custody of most dvds we’ve bought together (leaving him only with Inglorious Basterds because at that time I couldn’t think of him as anything but a bastard), I was trying to focus on the moving on bit and to convince myself that what I felt was disappointment and pain for losing something more than my status (from in a relationship to nothing) on Facebook. As time moved us on, I was for the first time in my life, growing in love. Everything felt just like after a massive spring cleaning and I was finally able to see things in a post-war (much better) light. We didn’t have the big talk, we haven’t made any promises that we will stay friends or anything like that. It just happened, so naturally that for a while I felt like things haven’t changed at all. As it turns out, once we’ve stopped having the great expectations we’ve finally begun loving each other. Most of the time, that thing we call love, or being in love has nothing to do with the object of our desire. It’s just a need that we project in a person we meet, we are attracted to for more that a night. I am not discovering the fire here, but although we know all this, that doesn’t stop us from acting like fools.
We were splurging on ice cream today (the way you can only splurge with someone that really loves you ) and discussing big concepts such as happiness and success. He said something a tad hollywoodian and I rolled my eyes as I usually do. Then there was the ‘you just don’t support me’ and the second round of rolling eyes as I was struggling to mumble with my mouth full of meringue: ‘I really don’t have to sugar-coat your feelings so get over yourself and give me a break. I am here to stab you in the front, remember?’ And he stood up, smiled and gave me a big hug. I guess it doesn’t get better than this.
They say each person is responsible for their own happiness and I tend to agree. However, when you have such a wonderful friendship with someone you kind of find it easier to work on your happiness. And it’s so much more than the cliche of being able to call them in the middle of the night and knowing they’ll pick up. It is not even the laughter or the tremendous fun you’re having with such a good friend or the so called shared interests and passions. It’s a bond so subtle yet powerful that can’t be explained. It’s feeling comfortable not to the point of leaving the bathroom door open but to finding something you’ve never found before: a home. And for this, I am the luckiest girl in the world.
“Iubesc oamenii mai mult decat principiile si iubesc oamenii fara principii mai mult decat orice pe lume”, spunea candva Oscar Wilde. Multe dintre citatele pe care le reproducem sunt doar alaturari de cuvinte intr-o forma bombastica ce suna foarte frumos dar nu spun defapt mare lucru. Cel de mai sus insa nu se incadreaza in aceeasi categorie. Cu cat trece mai mult timp, cu atat ii dau mai mare dreptate lui Oscar Wilde si totusi ma minunez ca a fost tocmai un englez cel care a spus asemenea cuvinte.
Locuiesc deja de aproape doi ani in Londra si de fiecare data cand ies la o petrecere, un eveniment, sau pur si simplu cunosc o persoana noua, prima intrebare la care trebuie sa raspund este “And what do you do?” (tradus prin: Ce muncesti?)
Dupa ce raspund ca lucrez la Brainient si ca studiez, urmeaza o alta intrebare: “Oxford, Cambridge, LBS?” In majoritatea cazurilor primesc un “oh, I see” extrem de dezamagit la aflarea vestii ca universitatea la care studiez este London Metropolitan, nicidecum Oxbridge. Intr-un mod straniu, prima parte in care ii informez ca lucrez intr-o companie extraordinara nu pare sa mai aiba nicio valoare in fata unui nume atat de obscur precum London Metropolitan. De foarte multe ori am cazut in capcana de a ma simti intimidata si rusinata. Insa imi revin si imi reamintesc de ce nu am principii: pentru ca vreau sa fiu capabila de a gandi cu propriul meu creier si nu prin prisma unei educatii formate chiar si in cele mai elitiste scoli ale lumii. Pentru mine principiile sunt sinonime cu ideile preconcepute iar daca pentru bunicii mei care inca ii considera pe americani salvatorii lumii am toleranta si intelegere, pentru oamenii de varsta mea nu pot sa nutresc aceleasi sentimente. Este foarte interesant cum desi traim intr-o lume din ce in ce mai deschisa si mai lipsita de granite, barierele mintale continua sa puna piedici atator oameni.
Ideile preconcepute legate de educatie ma intriga cel mai tare pentru ca m-am lovit de ele de foarte devreme. In scoala generala obisnuiam sa ne intrebam intre noi ce meserii au parintii, cat castiga si ce facultati au terminat. Copiii ai caror parinti nu aveau “studii superioare” erau din start de evitat, nefiind de “teapa” celor scoliti. A urmat apoi stupida idee varata pe gatul adolescentilor ca liceul este cea mai frumoasa perioada din viata noastra. Ma intreb cum poti, ca adult, sa trimiti un tanar in viata spunandu-i ca partea frumoasa a ei va dura doar patru ani si mai mult, invatandu-l ca exista grade de comparatie care determina un “cel” sau o “cea” mai cumva. Fiecare perioada a vietii este frumoasa si trebuie acceptata si traita ca atare, fara anxietati si angoase la gandul ca ce era mai bun s-a dus.
Pentru mine liceul nu a fost catusi de putin o perioada frumoasa. Au fost pantru ani indurati intr-un colectiv de tineri in formare, copii rautaciosi care se injurau, bateau si isi faceau zile fripte. Au mai fost si ani in care profesoara de literatura universala ma dadea afara de la ora pentru ca citeam Hesse pe sub banca si ea nu trecuse niciodata de Madame Bovary, iar dirigintele ma detesta “din principiu”. Au fost niste ani in care am invatat niste istorie, geografie, franceza gramatica si altele. Insa nu am fost invatata cum sa imi formez o opinie pertinenta despre un subiect oarecare, cum sa analizez ceva cu propria minte si nu cu ajutorul unei carti de critica ori cum sa imi susptin opiniile cu argumente. Am fost ajutata in formarea unei culturi generale, in adunarea unor cunostiinte si nimic mai mult. Ori viata nu se rezuma la a sti date teoretice. Viata presupune sa ai o minte antrenata si deschisa astfel incat sa fii pregatit in orice situatie nu doar sa te descurci dar sa si intelegi ceva. Iar pentru a intelege ce ni se intampla trebuie sa fim capabili sa ne debarasam de orice fel de principii, judecati de valoare si lectii invatate pe dinafara. Altfel riscam sa ajungem niste adunaturi de idei reciclate.
Poate ca de aceea multi oameni nici nu depasesc vreodata stadiul vietii de liceu si continua sa traiasca ca atare. Cred ca liceul si facultatea sunt doar niste puncte de pornire, nicidecum ceva in care sa ne cramponam. Insa pentru multi oameni ele reprezinta umbrele protectoare sub care se pot ascunde pentru a nu se gandi la ce isi doresc sa faca cu vietile lor. A studia la o universitate cu renume suna suficient de pompos incat sa ne scape de eventuale intrebari legate de ce ne place, ce vrem sa facem sau cine suntem. Sunt ani in care poti sa mai lancezesti invatand carti intregi pe dinafara ca apoi sa ai siguranta ca foaia de hartie numita diploma va face pentru tine urmatorul pas. Ironia este ca indiferent unde studiezi, nimeni nu iti va baga inteligenta ori stiinta cu polonicul in cap asa ca daca iti doresti sa inveti ceva poti sa o faci si singur inchis intr-o camera. Insa oricat am acumula, viata ne va surprinde in fiecare zi si ne va invata ceva nou fara sa realizam acest lucru. Probabil ca acesta este motivul pentru care se spune ca avem de invatat cat timp traim. Oxford sau nu, in final cu totii ramanem vesnic in clasa intai.