Everyone living in London is now talking about the weather. About the hot weather that is. All summer we had rain and gloomy days, and now- when September ends, the sun is burning and I can’t breath. You might think I’m crazy, but I don’t like it. I wouldn’t have mind enjoying bright skies and 30 degrees in July, but I’m not in the mood for that anymore. For various reasons, I’m very into seasons. One of them is that now I’ve put all sandals and summers dresses in storage boxes and am so delighted to wear my new A/W outfits. I love the sunny but chilli autumn days when I take long walks in the park without melting in the sun or having to put on tons of sunscreen and when taking the tube is not suicide.
So here I am, at my desk, with work to do but unable to concentrate because I keep thinking I should DO something. I should be outside, enjoying the sun like any other normal person. Who knows how many sunny days we’ll get until March next year? I feel the same anxiety usually experienced around New Year’s when everyone’s asking about my plans and not only I have to talk about it but I actually HAVE to have a plan. God forbid I don’t have any because others will feel sorry for me although I feel great and not so sad at all.
I guess seizing the day and enjoying the moment have lost all their true meaning. They’re now just another ‘to do’ on our endless lists and I wonder how many of the things we actually get to do are done in a spontaneous way. I remember being a kid and my dad almost forcing me to take afternoon naps because ‘when I would be a grown-up I won’t have the time’. And this is really stupid. I don’t want to live my life doing things that I might not have the chance to ever do again because if I think about it, there are too many I won’t get to do anyway so I’d rather spend my time enjoying what I like. And if that means being indoors while half of London’s population are attacking the parks, so be it. I shall take my long walks when everybody is ranting about the miserable weather in crowded coffee shops. Then, there won’t be fat ladies sunbathing, babies screaming and dogs pooing everywhere in Regent’s Park.
Sun may lift the spirits but it certainly isn’t good for the skin. Let them get wrinkles while I miss this opportunity.
I was recently sharing with one of my (few) friends my disappointment regarding how people build relationships. I’ve noticed how most of them are getting better and better at networking but have little or no ’skills’ when it comes to friendships. If you meet at parties everyone is smiling and giving you a big hug, exclaiming how happy they are to see you and how absolutely fabulous you look. Blah blah. Then they will ask how’s work and let you know that they’re so busy and things are ‘hectic’ at the moment. You mingle and have the same conversation all over again up until the point where you tell one person you really like that you should get together more often, have coffee or go to the movies. They’ll be so excited about it that you almost believe it will happen. More often than not it doesn’t. My friend’s explanation was brutal but so rational: people want to surround themselves with more powerful people. And this is so much like high school. Stick around the popular guys and the bullies and you’re safe.
I must admit I’ve never been good at this. Maybe because I am very young and I am not (just yet) trying to build a business or a brand of my name. I am very transparent and if I don’t like someone they’ll know. This might not be good for business and will certainly change with time – because to a certain extent we all become what we have to instead of what we really want to- but for now, I can still enjoy my naivety. I know that hard work isn’t enough if you don’t know the right people and have an impressive rolodex but I don’t feel ready to play those games. I need to learn the rules of successful ’social climbing’ and those of putting on a mask while making it seem so natural. 21 might not necessarily be the age of innocence but to me it still is an age when saying ‘ I am so glad to see you’ really means this. And when I don’t have to use ‘daahling’ that much.
Observing people who are by far better at networking than I am, I’ve realized that for some of them this really is their only chance of doing something with their careers or lives (the line between the two is so blurred these days). It’s like with those women who are not very intelligent but smart enough to know they won’t be successful as business women, lawyers or writers but have certain skills when it comes to getting their hands on rich men. Some despise them but they must be given credit for playing the game so well and for at least their determination and knowing what they want.
What I want is to surround myself with intelligent people. And with those who are the best at what they do. You might say this is the same as wanting successful people around me but I prefer to put it this way. Sometimes being successful doesn’t involve the two. In 5 years I won’t probably be so hopeful and naive but I wish I will still be able to make the difference between building a network and building a friendship. They might even invent a new word (I came with one myself) for those people one has to ‘keep close’. Because they are anything but friends.
* the fusion between business partners and friends. After all, they did the same with brunch.
Starting to make decisions usually happens later that you think it does. For me it is now, at 21. I had come to realize that I’ve never really made a decision before because it’s only with age that you understand how every little thing begins to depend solely on yourself. I used to say that the greatest decision I’ve made was moving from Bucharest to London. But that was more of an adventure. A fun thing to do because I was bored with my life there and loathed my hometown. Events like recession hitting hard and both my parents losing their jobs- thus becoming unable to support me, or breaking-up with my boyfriend after only a few months of living together in London didn’t even cross my mind before getting on the plane. But they happened and I had to deal with them. And that gave me some confidence in my strength and ability to go through difficult moments without losing my mind.
Not enough confidence though to believe I could do whatever I wanted. After giving up ballet I’ve been on a constant quest to discover what is that I want to do. Asking myself so many questions and putting a lot of pressure left me discouraged and afraid that I will end up accomplishing nothing and living a mediocre life. And it was out of fear that I went to study International Relations, a subject I had no particular interest in, rather than journalism, something I loved. But I thought I wasn’t good enough or talented enough to write. Or even to learn how to write well, for that matter. Then I thought reading literature at Oxford was for geniuses and I didn’t deserve such an exquisite education. So I applied at a university that after only few months I started to hate. It wasn’t challenging enough and the academic atmosphere had nothing to do with what I previously imagined.
Believing that you deserve the best doesn’t come from arrogance. Once you embark on a path to become the best at something you do, it is normal to strive for the best education you could get or to surround yourself with the best people in that field. I’ve recently shared with a friend my plan to move to New York and work for a fashion magazine. He told me that fashion is a very competitive world and I would have to work incredibly hard and be prepared for the worst. He even reminded me of the movie The Devil Wears Prada and how horrible people are treated in such an industry as fashion. Somehow, I did not expect him to encourage me because there aren’t many people who know how to react when faced with their friends’ enthusiasm and desire to do something. But I’ve made one of my first decisions: to go on with my foolish dreams no matter what anyone else says. Just because there are hundreds of girls dying to work for a fashion magazine or because it will be very hard, that doesn’t mean I don’t have to even try.
Another decision I’ve recently made was starting a new blog I’ve been dreaming of for years but never actually made it happen because there were too many fashion blogs out there anyway. But this isn’t just another fashion blog. It si my own and I have something to say that nobody else does. Some people will love it, others will hate it or won’t even bother read it. That’s not important. What matters is that I made my voice heard for those who are interested and especially for myself. I can now hear myself better.
There are a few people who pushed me so much by showing me I had nothing to be scared of. They’re not only people I love very much but also the best at what they’re doing. Yet the person who helped the most was me. I was the one who decided that after three years of writing for the Elle Talent Contest and never sending the articles it was time to stop being a sissy. Elle was never going to come knocking on my door and ask me to work for them.The deadline is in two weeks and I can’t wait to press the ’send’ button because this piece was written to win me the contest.
On a final note, I thank Milo, who did a wonderful job at editing my article. He is a beautiful writer and someone I admire but never had the courage to ask for some thoughts on my writing.
In urma cu cateva luni am scris un articol care a fost publicat in revista Lectura. De ce despre Paris, veti descoperi citindu-l. Redau mai jos un fragment, iar restul il gasiti aici.
‘..Au trecut aproape 4 ani şi inima îmi tresaltă încă de fiecare dată cand îi aud numele. Mă simt precum Humbert atunci când îl rostea pe cel al Lolitei şi literele i se topeau ca mierea pe limbă. Intâlnirea cu Parisul nu a fost o călătorie, ci o regăsire. Precum un drum iniţiatic, aşa cum ne învăţau să spunem la şcoală despre diverse opere literare în care unul dintre personaje învaţă câte ceva despre sine. Nu a fost câtuşi de puţin o revelaţie, ci un soi de întoarcere acasă.’
Multumesc Oanei, unul dintre oamenii care ma incurajeaza sa scriu.