Starting to make decisions usually happens later that you think it does. For me it is now, at 21. I had come to realize that I’ve never really made a decision before because it’s only with age that you understand how every little thing begins to depend solely on yourself. I used to say that the greatest decision I’ve made was moving from Bucharest to London. But that was more of an adventure. A fun thing to do because I was bored with my life there and loathed my hometown. Events like recession hitting hard and both my parents losing their jobs- thus becoming unable to support me, or breaking-up with my boyfriend after only a few months of living together in London didn’t even cross my mind before getting on the plane. But they happened and I had to deal with them. And that gave me some confidence in my strength and ability to go through difficult moments without losing my mind.
Not enough confidence though to believe I could do whatever I wanted. After giving up ballet I’ve been on a constant quest to discover what is that I want to do. Asking myself so many questions and putting a lot of pressure left me discouraged and afraid that I will end up accomplishing nothing and living a mediocre life. And it was out of fear that I went to study International Relations, a subject I had no particular interest in, rather than journalism, something I loved. But I thought I wasn’t good enough or talented enough to write. Or even to learn how to write well, for that matter. Then I thought reading literature at Oxford was for geniuses and I didn’t deserve such an exquisite education. So I applied at a university that after only few months I started to hate. It wasn’t challenging enough and the academic atmosphere had nothing to do with what I previously imagined.
Believing that you deserve the best doesn’t come from arrogance. Once you embark on a path to become the best at something you do, it is normal to strive for the best education you could get or to surround yourself with the best people in that field. I’ve recently shared with a friend my plan to move to New York and work for a fashion magazine. He told me that fashion is a very competitive world and I would have to work incredibly hard and be prepared for the worst. He even reminded me of the movie The Devil Wears Prada and how horrible people are treated in such an industry as fashion. Somehow, I did not expect him to encourage me because there aren’t many people who know how to react when faced with their friends’ enthusiasm and desire to do something. But I’ve made one of my first decisions: to go on with my foolish dreams no matter what anyone else says. Just because there are hundreds of girls dying to work for a fashion magazine or because it will be very hard, that doesn’t mean I don’t have to even try.
Another decision I’ve recently made was starting a new blog I’ve been dreaming of for years but never actually made it happen because there were too many fashion blogs out there anyway. But this isn’t just another fashion blog. It si my own and I have something to say that nobody else does. Some people will love it, others will hate it or won’t even bother read it. That’s not important. What matters is that I made my voice heard for those who are interested and especially for myself. I can now hear myself better.
There are a few people who pushed me so much by showing me I had nothing to be scared of. They’re not only people I love very much but also the best at what they’re doing. Yet the person who helped the most was me. I was the one who decided that after three years of writing for the Elle Talent Contest and never sending the articles it was time to stop being a sissy. Elle was never going to come knocking on my door and ask me to work for them.The deadline is in two weeks and I can’t wait to press the ’send’ button because this piece was written to win me the contest.
On a final note, I thank Milo, who did a wonderful job at editing my article. He is a beautiful writer and someone I admire but never had the courage to ask for some thoughts on my writing.